Have you ever called someone before and their connection was bad? The voice came out broken or scrambled from the other end. You would yell “Hello? Hello? Anyone there? Can you hear me?” And eventually, the connection would be lost and you would either have to try again or find another time to talk. That’s the problem most relationships have… bad connection. In this week’s blog, we talk about how to identify and repair the broken areas of our communication.
Most of us don’t realize that the reason why some couples constantly argue is because there has been a breakdown of communication. When you first started, things were going smoothly. The connection was strong and it was almost as if you could read the other person’s mind. As the years went by, little by little there would be small misunderstandings or nonchalant words thrown here and there. We would say one thing but do another, and somehow all those flaws you didn’t mind in the other person have now become every pet peeve possible. Slowly but surely we created masks and mechanisms to hide our true feelings. So much time has passed with many things just unsaid. There is a part of us that gets tired of being misunderstood or having our words used as a weapon against us. We start thinking things like “What is the point of sharing what I think if he or she just won’t get it?” The resentment and frustration have now accumulated in our hearts to be a large bomb just waiting to go off. All it needs is a catalyst. BOOM! And after the hurtful words were thrown at each other, we were left to pick up the broken pieces of our relationship. The building of the bomb continues.
What we have to realize is that emotional baggage carrying didn’t suddenly appear when we entered a relationship. It was a habit and coping mechanism we formed while growing up when we couldn’t properly understand or handle our emotions healthily and safely. We learned how to push our thoughts and feelings down rather than work things out. Because emotion is energy, and it can neither be created nor destroyed, it can be expelled or stored. Imagine needing to climb Mount Everest. It’s known as one of the hardest climbs in the world but say you bring along your mom, dad, brother, sister, ex, and suddenly they all cannot walk or climb for themselves and you need to drag them with you.
Emotionally that’s what most of us do in our lives going from relationship to relationship. We pick up baggage along the way and we never learn to let go. What is this proverbial baggage? It is unresolved emotional issues from your past. Having a healthy functioning relationship is a tough challenge, and the less weight you carry the better chance at success you have. This is why you must learn the skills immediately to help you put down your emotional baggage so that instead of arguing with your partner, you understand yourself and where this argument is coming from and learn to let it go. To let go means to acknowledge how you feel and talk through the issue with your partner.
So here are the tips for this week:
1. Identify if any triggers cause sudden emotional flare-ups.
It’s going to take a journey of reflection and careful thought to realize that all of us have triggers in some form or another. Usually, this has to do with undealt trauma from a long ago. These are the pains from unmet needs such as feeling inadequate, unaccepted, and unloved in some way. If you’re able to identify it and find the source of where it comes from, you’re on the right track. If you’re having a hard time finding it, we recommend seeking a professional to help you unearth some of the deep emotions and resolve the negative energy associated with it.
2. Communicate with your partner
Your partner must understand your particular triggers and why they are there but also that you’re taking active steps to diffuse them. Ask them to come along the journey with you and talk about it in a safe and loving context. There is no greater power than empathy and love to heal old wounds. By communicating this process with your partner, he or she will understand that they are not the root cause of your triggers and take things less personally.
3. Be patient with yourself
It takes time to heal correctly. A lot of the triggers we have are unconscious. When they do blow up, forgive yourself and ask for forgiveness. Then take the courageous steps to confront them and communicate your needs to others In healthy, respectful ways. If you did not become a certain way overnight, let’s not expect that we can fix everything overnight either!
One day, you’ll be having another heated discussion but find yourself and your partner communicating rather than hurling insults and saying things you’ll regret. The once uncontrollable angry reactions will subside and you’ll feel more in control and level-headed. This is the power of empowering yourself to choose better. We hope this blog helps you on your journey to wholeness and more vibrant relationships.
