Have you ever lied to someone you love? Such as telling your friend that you like their spouse, even if you don’t. Or telling your boss you’re sick, but you just really feel like skipping work to binge-watch your favorite program. Do you feel guilty after? Or do you feel ashamed about your decision? Guilt and shame are common responses after a poor decision. They both feel negative, but they are very different from each other. Do you know the difference? Let’s take a look at the difference between the two, how they influence our decisions, and how we can prevent feeling that way.
How to Recognize Guilt
Guilt is a heavy feeling of regret when we do something wrong. It’s about feeling uneasy about hurting or disappointing oneself or others. Feeling guilty is not necessarily a bad thing! It is informing you that unintended consequences have occurred, and you are being responsible for your part. Taking responsibility can be difficult for people because there is a cost to making things right. That includes admitting fault, which bruises the ego. It also puts a person in a vulnerable state to be further criticized or rejected. Why do it? Because responsibility sets you up for the next optimal decision. Sociopaths and psychopaths, by definition, are unable to feel empathy or remorse. These people are only interested in satisfying their own goals regardless of who they hurt in the process. Their lack of guilt is the problem! Allow yourself to feel the guilt and use that energy to make things as right as possible.
What to Know About Shame
In contrast, shame is damaging and unhelpful. Whereas guilt is feeling bad for doing something wrong, shame is feeling awful about being someone wrong. It is a disgust with oneself and the need to keep that bad part hidden. Shame is personalized guilt. It is usually the accumulation of negative feedback over a course of time that leads someone to conclude that “I am the problem.” If people are trapped in feelings of shame with the core belief that they are the problem, then making optimal decisions becomes increasingly difficult.
People who embody shame tend to unconsciously make poor decisions because they feel congruent. There is an unspoken expectation that bad people make bad decisions, even when the conscious mind truly wants to make good decisions. That is the subtle danger of shame. Someone who is consumed with shame will struggle to make good decisions; it’s like trying to clean a table with a dirty rag. I remember eating at this local Vietnamese restaurant and watching the worker “clean the table.” The more the person used the dirty rag to sweep the table, the more filth was being spread on the surface. Remember, good people still make bad decisions. Do not let shame define you. It has no part in becoming your best self. We are all in need of more grace and do-overs. Choose not to allow past poor choices to define your identity.
Where Do Guilt and Shame Come From?
Our guilt and shame often come from the good intention of self-improvement. We unconsciously think, “I will make myself feel so bad that I will never make that mistake again.” It’s also our innate sense of justice that someone needs to be blamed for the mistake and take responsibility. For many of us, self-criticism makes us feel terrible, but it does not always elicit change the next time the challenge occurs. People tend to have poor emotional memory, so when the temptation of bad choices shows up, our brain forgets how bad it felt the last time we made that mistake.
We are more likely to remember the “benefits” of the bad choice and ignore the consequences. So, what is the point of punishing ourselves? Little to nothing. Our fear-based guilt and shame may be helpful temporarily, but detrimental for our long-term well-being. Our minds unconsciously begin putting the negative experiences together and conclude that we are the common denominator (which will always be true since you are involved in every one of your decisions).
The shame begins creeping in and we inaccurately conclude that we must be screwed-up people. When the shame becomes a more permanent fixture, the belief that you will always mess up because you are messed up gets solidified. Hopelessness and apathy set in, and there is no more courage to try again. So how does that help you with making optimal decisions? It does not. Guilt and self-criticism often lead to giving up and reverting to lazy thinking and behaviors instead of allowing your decisions to flow from your identity and values.
How to Move Past Guilt and Shame
Practice self-compassion and accept that imperfections will occur. This will be a tough one for control freaks and perfectionists! To break out of the negative loop, we must accept that mistakes happen and that we can do better next time. In fact, why should mistakes not happen? Expect it. Acknowledge your humanity. People make mistakes…all the time. Take some time to understand the intentions behind your decision. From self-compassion, be gentle and kind to yourself. Check your internal dialogue. For a moment, put any self-criticism to the side and deal with it later. Notice any emotions that arise. Permit yourself to feel those feelings. Speak to yourself with grace.
In your particular situation, can you see why it makes sense that things turned out this way? Follow the sequence of events, and permit yourself to explain the outcome. Take the observer stance to describe what happened. Put the situation into perspective and include all the factors that created the “perfect storm.” Make a list of all the reality factors.
For example: “I missed my daughter’s soccer game (again) because I miscalculated the traffic and chose to wrap up my project instead of leaving earlier.” Reality factors do not take away your responsibility. When you own your role while considering reality factors, you can normalize the outcome. Taking ownership of your role keeps you empowered. You are not a victim of your decisions. Honor your good intentions. Yes, you meant to watch your daughter’s soccer game on time. That was the intention. Did you achieve it? No. Is that okay? No. Can you do better next time? Yes. That may mean setting an alarm earlier, taking the work home, delegating the task, or any number of things to attend your daughter’s game. If you believe there is no way to do it, think again. You did not get this far in life because solutions were simply handed to you. Make a way or adjust the expectations. People make mistakes because of misplaced priorities. Learn to show yourself grace and use that kindness to get better. How to Do
How Do You Recover From a Bad Decision? Recommit.
Choose to do better the next time. Make a plan to do better. Being a trustworthy and reliable person is my core value. I do my best to fulfill my promises. I do my best to follow through with my commitments, whether it is being on time, completing a project, or taking out the trash. Sometimes I forget. Other times, I may procrastinate because of a competing commitment.
Recommitment is the key. Declaring your commitment gives you direction and drive. When we fall short, learn why the commitment did not happen and adjust accordingly. The new information helps us revise the commitment to be more realistic. Recommitment builds trust by demonstrating loyalty in a relationship. It invites a discussion. It keeps us in partnership with people. It is choosing to do life together through the highs and lows. We are not expected to commit perfectly. Unexpected things happen. But things can often be resolved with less devastating consequences through ownership and recommitment. How? Raise your intention and commit again. Have the confidence to make a new commitment and keep it. Seize as many do-overs as life allows you to take. Know that if things do not work out, never stop making new commitments.
