All of us deal with a certain level of anxiety when it comes to the holidays. Whether it’s the family get-together, finding that perfect gift, or a company party, we all have our reasons to be anxious. Did you know that anxiety itself isn’t a bad thing? It allows us a flight or fight response to address any potential pain we see coming. Yet, social anxiety is a different kind of animal. It mainly deals with the story we tell ourselves of potential humiliation or rejection when we are around people we are not familiar with. There were many times I would run into this question during my practice.
“Why is it that I’m feeling nervous? It seems everyone else is having such a great time.”
The truth is, that voice in our head that tells us, “You don’t fit in, you gained weight, you don’t belong, they’re really not your friends, etc,” is a very familiar voice, and that sometimes can become the overwhelming majority of our thoughts.
No one likes to be labeled or judged and yet, our minds are wired to be in fight or flight in large gatherings where we seem to be “out of place.” That is why we fear we won’t fit in during the holidays because we know that there are unacceptable parts of ourselves and the fear is that people will reject us if they knew. After all, we are our worst critics. Our insecurities are blatantly obvious to us because… We live with ourselves every day!
We make up these precautions in our mind to dissuade us from taking risks that could potentially end poorly. The fear that we conjure up inside of ourselves discourages us from connecting with people and the very thing that protects us becomes our cage. It is time to reevaluate the script in our mind when we are in social situations. Here are some practical steps to overcome social anxiety.
Step 1: Take time to understand “What am I saying to myself during social gatherings?“
See if you could identify the insecurity and what you are using as an excuse for why you do not belong. Then refocus on the purpose of the social gathering. Why are you there in the first place? Why does this social gathering exist? Most of the time, The purpose of the holidays is to bring loved ones together and create beautiful memories. It is a time to reflect on your blessings and enjoy each other’s company. The holidays are not all about you. Stop making yourself overly important!
Step 2: Have a plan in place to calm your body down which will send a new signal to your brain that everything is okay. You can achieve this through deep breathing techniques, progressive muscle relaxation, and mindfulness exercises.
Begin changing the script by making the presumption that you are worthy and do you belong. When you start from that notion, allow your brain to come up with all the reasons why that is true. You are just as deserving to be at this party as everyone else. Yes, you belong. Repeating the phrase “I belong because…” can help decrease some of your social anxiety.
Step 3: Bring the focus back to enjoying the festivities and shift your focus to loving other people well.
Be interested in other people’s lives. Find ways to connect with people. Enjoy the delicious food! Learn to get outside of your thoughts and be present with your surroundings. A great way to do so is to engage your 5 senses (sight, touch, smell, hearing, and taste) by describing the environment around you in real-time.
Finally, After everything you read, sometimes it is just not enough. You find yourself being unable to get outside of your thoughts. Your body gets really tense and there are multiple panic symptoms. You may want to consider getting professional help with your anxiety. There may be deeper psychological reasons for your anxiety that a professional can help unearth and identify. Fears that we cannot verbalize and understand remain sources of anxiety. By acknowledging the reasons behind the anxiety and the unmet needs, then you can create solutions to address them.
We hope through these practical steps, all of us can learn to not only survive but thrive by choosing better.
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